Are my boundaries with others too much or too rigid? How to know what you can ask for
Am I asking for too much of others?
It’s a question I get asked frequently as a therapist. When navigating what is okay to ask for and what to be firm about, I find setting your own “bill of personal rights” is a good place to start. There will be less second-guessing yourself when you know what your boundaries are before they are violated.
While this is deeply personal to each individual, I think it is helpful to give a general idea of what personal standards might look like.
A bill of personal rights is not about controlling other people’s behavior (nor do we have the right to), but rather is about how we take care of ourselves amid behaviors that cross the line of our standards.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is any standard that describes how we need to be treated in our relationships given our past histories, trauma, personality, values, and needs (emotional, physical, spiritual).
I think of boundaries as a promise or commitment we make to take care of our own needs while interacting in our relationships.
We respect that promise by addressing any violation when our well-being is at risk. In a way it’s a technique in self-preservation, knowing where you can be flexible in a relationship and where you need to draw the line to protect yourself.
Is making a request of someone different than a boundary?
A request is typically a verbal/written expression asserting what behaviors you want or don’t want from another person.
Requests and boundaries are often confused with one another. It’s not uncommon to hear people make statements such as, “You’re not respecting my boundary!” but I think it’s more accurate to say they are not respecting your request of them, which is frustrating, upsetting, annoying, and even maddening but we know that we cannot control other people's actions.
But the boundary comes in when you decide to act differently during their unwanted behavior for the self-preservation of your well-being.
What does a bill of personal rights look like?
Here is an example of what a bill of personal rights might look like, and the corresponding boundary. Yours might be different.
But note, these are firm lines in the sand of what we find unacceptable, under any circumstance. There might be many other areas where we decide to be flexible, adaptable, and have preferences but not “hard no’s.”
Right to feel safe.
I have the right to keep myself feeling safe both emotionally and physically.
“I would prefer you not get drunk at the party tonight, but if you decide to drink more than 2 drinks, I am not getting in the car with you and will take an Uber home”
Right to change my mind.
I am allowed to change my mind about the decisions I make.
“I know I told you yes, but now that I’ve had more time to think, I’ve decided the answer is no. I can understand you are angry and can accept that. But my decision is final and not up for negotiation.”
Right to Privacy.
I have the right to share as much, or as little as I want about my past, present, internal thoughts and feelings. I get to decide how and when to share with others about myself.
“You can ask me questions about who I talk to, where I go, and the nature of my conversations, but I will not allow you to track my location or have unlimited access to monitor my communications on my phone.”
Right to express myself.
I have the right to ask for what I want, in a way that is fair and respectful.
“I am going to tell you what I’d like, and you can decide what you’d like to do given this information. But I get to state what is important to me. If you respond in a manner that is inappropriate (retaliation, aggression, yelling, manipulation) I will not continue the discussion with you and will leave the room.”
Right for dignity and respect.
I have the right to be recognized with inherent humanity, and in an ethical manner.
“We may have disagreements and differences in what we think and feel, but name-calling, threats, and physical violence/intimidation are hard no’s when we have our disagreements and conflicts. I will be spending the night at a friend’s house tonight if you continue with this behavior.”
Right for personal autonomy.
I have the right to say “no” to requests, make my decisions based on my values, and make choices that feel right to me.
“I want to hear your advice and opinions, but I will ultimately decide for myself. If you respond with coercion of any type, I will not allow you to be part of these types of discussions anymore.”
When should set boundaries with others?
I think we all naturally set boundaries in our daily lives, even if we don’t formally label it as setting a boundary. This might include verbalizing a request, giving someone feedback, disengaging from certain types of interactions, ignoring, taking breaks, and distracting are all ways we address our emotional and physical needs.
Our daily lives are full of opportunities that you will naturally set a boundary without even realizing it or giving it much forethought- such as declining an invitation to a social gathering when we are exhausted from the week, or cutting off a conversation with an excuse that you need to leave when a friend starts talking poorly about your mutual friend.
People with good self-awareness and self-esteem will naturally know their needs, wants, and non-negotiables within their interpersonal relationships, making it easy for these types of people to set and maintain their boundaries.
Someone who has mastered boundary setting will attend to their own needs in whatever way they deem appropriate and necessary, without much forethought or conscious decision-making to set a formal boundary.
Many of us need to put some more deliberate thought and attention to our boundaries, especially within our close personal relationships. Struggling with asserting boundaries could be related to people-pleasing or codependency.
As humans, we largely form our self-identity through our experiences within our relationships- so it makes sense that the stakes feel high when we need to address feelings of disrespect, being demeaned, excluded, or misunderstood by the ones we are closest to. This is where I skilled therapist can come in to help.
Need therapy support for setting appropriate boundaries with others?
It can be confusing and scary trying to assert your boundaries (and to know what they are) in your relationships.
But there is help. I am a Santa Rosa therapist who specializes in this type of therapeutic work with adults so you can finally be in a relationship where your needs matter too!
This is my passion and I am here to help with online counseling offered to anyone residing in California and in-person counseling for Sonoma County.
Skip the phone tag and schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation into my online calendar here:
Angela Sitka, LMFT, has a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA specializing in helping adults with relational problems, including relationship anxiety, men’s relationship issues, and young adult therapy.