Signs Someone Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries and What to Do— Guidance from a Therapist
Top 5 Signs your Boundaries are being Tested by Others:
Remember, the only person who can “violate” your boundary is you (if you need a reminder of the basics of a boundary versus a request, check out this blog).
You are responsible for taking care of yourself when someone is not able to act in ways that you feel are respectful and safe to your well-being.
That said, here are some signs that others are not respecting your personal standards:
You’ve Already Said It
You shouldn’t have to repeat what your personal standard is for the relationship again and again, as long as you have stated it clearly and explicitly to the other person.
When you make a personal request, it should be clear and specific enough to allow someone to understand what we are asking of them.
If given that clarity, if you continue to have to state it over and over, it could be a sign of the person testing how serious you are in this request.
Minimizing or mocking
If the person’s judgmental response has you questioning if your boundary is valid or legitimate, this is a red flag for they don’t respect your request.
This could come in the form of teasing/mocking: “Oh yeah, I forgot how butthurt you get when I bring up your past relationship.”
Minimizing, “God, why do you have to be so sensitive, I was just joking around!”
These tactics can be used to sidestep our request or downplay the seriousness of our request, making it easier for them to continue their old ways of behaving.
Punitive Withdrawal:
Punitive withdrawal is the term I use when someone is giving you the silent treatment or ignoring you after you have expressed what your boundary is and how you are planning on acting on it.
For example, you tell your work colleagues you no longer will be participating in badmouthing your boss with them, and so you’d appreciate it if they stopped talking with you about their own personal complaints with the boss.
Now you're noticing they are avoiding you and you don’t get invited to the happy hours anymore. When you try to start conversation with them, you get cold, curt responses. This can be a form of punishing behavior in protest of your request and boundary.
Emotional Escalation in Response
For instance, suddenly sobbing, yelling in rage, or having an intense emotional reaction when you remind them of your boundary or take action to uphold it.
When we encounter this kind of dramatic emotional response, it can often trigger feelings of guilt, shame, or a pull to take care of the other person. This can distract us from our boundary, make us want to backtrack, or fall back into old patterns to appease them.
This is why it’s important to recognize it for what it is: a reactionary response that whether the person is aware of it or not, serves to keep you from holding your boundary.
Gaslighting
This includes any type of manipulation that leads you to question whether your reality or experience is legitimate.
When the facts of a situation are misrepresented, it can feel confusing and disorienting, turning what started as a boundary into a debate about what actually occurred.
If you find yourself getting pulled into this kind of conflict, it can be a form of boundary-testing.
For instance: “You were the one who brought up the subject of your sobriety, not me!”
What to do when your personal request about your boundary is violated or disrespected?
You have a few options if someone does not respect your requests:
Option 1: Keep trying with more specific and directive language
Sometimes what seems like a blatant boundary violation may actually be a misunderstanding. If your request wasn’t stated clearly, there’s room to continue to try to assert yourself.
We don’t want to be too vague or leave room for misinterpretation by the person on the receiving end.
For instance, stating, “Do not disrespect me” is vague, but “Please do not call me derogatory names,” is clear.
If the person has a pattern of boundary violations with you, expect that it will likely take several different strategies and conversations with the person before you find the correct boundary that works for you. Don’t get discouraged if the first attempt does not result in change.
It takes time to teach others how we want to be treated. If we have spent years in a toxic dynamic, it will likely take some time before the relationship can be restored to a healthier connection without taking so much of our time and energy to establish and maintain the boundary.
Option 2: Limiting Contact and Adjusting Interactions
For some relationships—such as parents, siblings, colleagues, or long-term close friendships, cutting ties may not be practical or an option you would even consider contemplating.
Instead, you might limit interactions to situations where boundary violations are less likely.
Some examples:
Meeting at a park, not a restaurant or bar where they could consume alcohol around you.
Not taking their phone calls every time they call. Call back when it’s convenient for you.
Being ready to call for the Uber to take you home when they start getting inappropriate at a social gathering
Not inviting them to every social gathering you host (birthdays, holidays, special occasions), offer another time to celebrate with them.
Selectively ignore their rude statements towards you, redirect the conversation or leave the conversation if they continue to put you down.
Option 3: Acceptance and modify boundary
Sometimes we know from a long history and pattern of this person’s behavior, that our requests of them may never change their behavior towards us.
If this is the case, you might try answering these self-reflective questions:
How can you make peace (or find acceptance) of this reality? What gets in the way of full acceptance?
How tolerable is it for you to be on the receiving end of this person’s behavior?
Is this a boundary you are willing to modify in order to keep the relationship? If so, what would the new boundary look like?
Sometimes our boundaries and requests of others can become too rigid, which may be related to our own internalized feelings of unsafety or protecting ego than it is about the actual boundary.
If you suspect this is the case for you, try reading my blog post: Are my boundaries too much? How to know what you can ask for
Setting boundaries is a technique in self-preservation and self-wisdom; knowing where you can be flexible in a relationship and where you need to draw the line to protect your well-being.
So being flexibility might be a good option depending on the situation. Maybe the old boundary was developed during a time where your emotional stability was in a different place than it is now. Maybe you’ve decided you can tolerate being around this difficult person at social gatherings again, though one-on-one is still a no-go.
Option 4: Cutting Ties with the Person
If the idea of removing this person from your life brings you relief, that is a valid and reasonable choice. This may apply to repeated boundary violations that have not been improved with other strategies.
Before making a final decision, ask yourself:
Did I clearly and explicitly state my boundary and the expected behavior?
How distressing is this boundary violation on a scale from 1-10?
What are the consequences (both good and bad) of ending this relationship?
Have I explored all possible solutions or compromises before considering complete cutoff?
Therapy for Boundary Violations and Stressful Relationships in Santa Rosa and CA
If you are finding yourself in patterns of relationships that you feel uncared for, devalued, or disrespected, you are not alone.
This is where I help- I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in all things related to relationships (and boundaries)!
Check out how I help change this pattern so that you can finally say goodbye to relationship anxiety and find healthy, fulfilling, happy, and satisfying connections with others.
If you need extra support setting and supporting your boundaries, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for therapy in Santa Rosa, Sonoma County and online in California.
Angela Sitka, LMFT is a therapist based in Santa Rosa, CA with a private practice specializing in adult’s relationship issues, including relationship anxiety, men’s issues, divorce and breakup counseling.