How can I get my guy to go to therapy? Advice from a therapist for men
You think he would benefit from therapy, but there is likely going to be some resistance, and you want to make sure this conversation goes smoothly.
As a therapist who does individual psychotherapy for men, I often run into the question from girlfriends, wives, ex’s, mothers, sisters, friends, “How can I convince him to go to therapy?”
Let’s start with what NOT to do when talking about therapy:
Making therapy an ultimatum (“If you don’t start therapy, then I am leaving”)
A requirement to get something (“I will forgive you once you start therapy”)
A criticism (“You are being so controlling and need therapy.”).
That said, sometimes setting boundaries in our relationships is completely appropriate and necessary when someone’s actions are impacting our well-being (check out my blogs about boundaries), but that should be a separate conversation.
Let’s focus on how to frame your conversation about therapy to get the best chances of him seriously considering therapy.
1) State your concerns in an objective way
A good place to start is clear, brief, and direct feedback to your loved one about what you have observed that has led to your concerns. List 2-3 things you have noticed in their behaviors, communication, or their self-report of how they feel.
“I’m concerned for you. I’ve noticed you don’t go out with your friends anymore and going out to play pool on the weekends used to be one of your favorite things to do. I’ve heard you talk about feeling frustrated at work every day and feeling stuck in life.”
2) Refrain from using psychobabble or therapy jargon.
Telling a man, they need to uncover the roots of their issues, process childhood trauma, heal their inner child wounds, and have emotional breakthroughs could sound like psychobabble (esoteric language and jargon from pop psychology) and result in him not taking this seriously.
Instead, try wording that is clear and understandable. For instance, saying, “Therapy can help you learn and implement new skills to better navigate life stress and solve life problems.”
Verbiage that would be action-oriented, and solution-focused. I don’t want to overgeneralize for an entire gender, but I have found men I work with relate better to this type of framing.
3) Talk about therapy as a resource
Some men feel more comfortable seeking help from mentors, coaches, consultants, religious leaders, or teachers. If that’s the case for your guy, you might talk about therapy as a form of coaching and mentorship but from someone with more training and education in human psychology who can help resolve more complex life problems.
For example, it’s like when you get a business consultant to help you think of solutions for your business, or when you get feedback from your golf coach on improving your swing form. A therapist does that for your emotions, thoughts, relationships, and mental health.
4) Find the right opportunity to talk and ask for permission
You don’t want to bring this up in a setting where the man in your life could feel embarrassed or shamed- such as in front of other people or a public setting.
Pick a time when it can be a private conversation and not in the heat of the moment of a fight, crisis, or major conflict.
You might ask if it’s a good time to talk about this subject, “I know this is something you’ve been struggling with for a while, and I trust you will figure it out. Is this a good time for us to brainstorm ideas to help?” Respect their answer- if they don’t want the feedback now, that’s ok, they may ask for it at another time.
5) Consider helping reduce the barriers to getting started with therapy.
If they respond to your suggestion of therapy with reasons that are preventing or causing them friction to get started, you might think about how you could contribute to mitigating them.
Ask about them and see if they are open to your help reducing these factors.
If finding the time is an issue, is there something you could do to take responsibility or task off them to make consistent time easy?
Do they hold beliefs or misconceptions that attending therapy means there’s something “wrong” with them? Can you find examples of men they know personally, or from popular culture, who they respect and have utilized therapy?
If finances are a factor, would you consider helping to fund or completely pay for their therapy? Or at least a few sessions to get them started? Could you normalize that it is worth investing money for help in this area of their life?
Is finding a therapist who is a good fit for them a difficulty? Maybe consider doing some research and sending along 3 options to give them a head start (with permission!).
6) Accept their decision
Many men I work with report they have considered therapy for years before they decided to make the call to get started. Your initial suggestion to them about therapy might be a seed you’ve planted in their mind that could take some time before they take the step to start therapy.
So don’t assume your words are falling on deaf ears, it just might take some time to settle. Further pushing them will likely not hasten the timeline but might push them further away.
7) Consider your intentions
Yes, therapy can be a helpful resource for many people, and maybe you are one of those people who had an amazing experience and outcomes from doing therapy. But consider your intentions in pushing someone to seek therapy that isn’t open or ready for it.
Are you pressuring them to seek therapy with the expectation they will change for the benefit of you?
Long-lasting and meaningful change requires some source of internal motivation for the individual (even if it’s minimal at first).
There are many situations where suggesting therapy is a caring and kind thing to do. But we should be mindful to consider our intentions and address any unrealistic expectations we might hold for another person to change for us.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa specializing in relationship stress, including men’s relationship issues.
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I help men with feelings of inadequacy, anger/rage, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, and depression.
If you’d like more information about my specialties for men, check out my therapy services for men.
I also help women who find themselves in codependent, people-pleasing, and anxious relationships.
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