Is my partner emotionally unavailable? Santa Rosa Therapist Answers
Emotional unavailability is a new buzzword in the pop psychology world, but it is not a clinical term (it would never be used as a mental health diagnosis or in clinical treatment plan by a licensed clinician). But given the attention of this new popular term, I am going to give my best definition and impression of what it means to be “emotionally unavailable” from my perspective as a licensed psychotherapist.
Emotional unavailability often stems from a lack of emotional intelligence, empathy, and emotional attunement. These factors play a crucial role in our ability to connect with others on a deeper emotional level.
The Key to Emotional Connection: Understanding Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the capacity to comprehend and appropriately react to social communication cues, such as body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and speech cadence. We use these signals to gauge the emotional state of the person we're communicating with and to demonstrate our understanding through our responses.
Why do some people lack emotional intelligence?
Poor emotional intelligence can result from various factors, including on the more extreme end of social deficits with mental health disorders like Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). ASD, which is more common in men than women, can significantly affect interpersonal relations and communication (3).
Moreover, poor emotional intelligence can also stem from a lack receiving emotional responsiveness during childhood, often due to abuse, neglect, or inadequate caregiving. Our ability to understand and respond to emotions is primarily shaped during our early years, and a lack of emotional support can impact our adult romantic relationships.
Recognizing emotional disconnection in your partner
Think about times when you felt genuinely supported by someone during moments of distress. How did they communicate with you? Perhaps they used a soft tone, displayed concern through facial expressions, or offered a comforting touch on your shoulder.
You can often discern when someone lacks emotional intelligence. If your partner is unable to pick up on your cues of distress, or even explicit verbal expressions of emotion receive a lackluster response, you might be dealing with an emotionally disconnected partner.
The Role of Empathy in Emotional Connection
At its core, empathy is about the ability to step into your partner's shoes, to feel what they feel, and to provide the kind of emotional support that fosters connection. It transcends mere sympathy, where you might acknowledge your partner's feelings but fall short of truly understanding and sharing in them.
How does empathy show up in relationships? It might be through:
- Active and engaged listening
- Validation of your feelings
- Offering support and openness in conflict resolution
The Empathy Disconnect: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
One context where the importance of empathy in romantic relationships becomes strikingly clear is in the realm of personality disorders, particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Individuals with NPD often exhibit a lack of empathy, vulnerability, and compassion, both for themselves and their partners.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by some of these traits:
Lack of Vulnerability: People with NPD are often hyper-focused on guarding themselves against emotional vulnerability. Their deepest fear is criticism or judgment, and they will go to great lengths to protect themselves from such perceived threats.
Deficiency in Compassion: Empathy, as a fundamental component of emotional connection, requires compassion and a willingness to support and comfort one's partner in times of distress. However, individuals with NPD may struggle to offer this kind of emotional solace.
Dismissive or Aggressive Behavior: When attempting to emotionally connect with someone with NPD, you may encounter a range of responses, from feeling attacked or criticized to being ignored or dismissed. The lack of empathy often leads to difficulties in communication and emotional connection.
The Importance of Emotional Attunement
Emotional attunement involves appropriately responding to another's emotional expressions by being fully present and receptive to their emotions. Being emotionally attuned is essential for fostering emotional connections.
When someone is emotionally attuned, they are attuned to their partner's happiness, sadness, frustration, and other emotions. This emotional responsiveness is a powerful tool for strengthening emotional bonds.
The leading relationship expert in this area, John Gottman, has done research on emotional attunement in relationships and highlights how couples who are emotionally attuned to each other have more satisfying and lasting partnerships. “Couples who exhibit emotional attunement, or the ability to be fully present and responsive to each other's emotions, tend to have more satisfying and enduring relationships." (2)
Barriers to Emotional Attunement
Substance abuse, addiction, and mental health issues like anxiety and depression can act as significant barriers to emotional attunement. These challenges can hinder a person's ability to be fully present in the moment and connect with others on an emotional level. For example:
Substance Abuse: Substance abuse can impair judgment and emotional regulation, making it difficult for individuals to respond appropriately to their partner's emotions. It can lead to emotional distance and conflicts within relationships.
Addiction: Similar to substance abuse, addiction can consume a person's thoughts and behaviors, making it challenging to be emotionally available to their partner. The addiction itself becomes the primary focus, often at the expense of the relationship.
Anxiety and Depression: Mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, can lead to emotional withdrawal and heightened emotional reactivity. This can create difficulties in responding to a partner's emotional needs and can strain the relationship.
Need therapy support for dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner?
It can be unbearably lonely, sad, and frustrating when you have an emotionally unavailable partner.
But there is help. I am a Santa Rosa therapist who specializes in this type of therapeutic work with adults so you can finally be in a relationship where your needs matter too! This is my passion and I am here to help with online counseling offered to anyone residing in California and in-person counseling for Sonoma County.
Skip the phone tag and schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation into my online calendar here:
Angela Sitka, LMFT, has a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA specializing in helping adults with relational problems, including relationship anxiety, men’s relationship issues, divorce recovery and young adults.
References:
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. Bantam Books.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The roles of conflict engagement, emotional expression, and emotional attunement in marital satisfaction. The Clinical Psychologist, 52(1), 6-7.
Lai, M. C., Lombardo, M. V., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2017). Autism. The Lancet, 390(10092), 1941-1952.
Kreutzer, N., Ritter, K., & Schmidt, S. (2018). Emotional intelligence and communication in couples. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 17(3), 257-273.
Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (2011). Narcissism and empathy in young offenders and nonoffenders. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(8), 1008-1011.
Smith, A. M., Tschann, J. M., & Shafer, A. T. (2019). The protective role of emotional boundaries in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(7), 883-894.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Attachment (Vol. 1). Basic Books.
Kassel, J. D., Jackson, M., & Weiss, A. R. (2020). Substance abuse and emotional availability in relationships. Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, 36(3), 220-228.