Could a Dead Person Achieve Your Therapy Goals? Santa Rosa Counselor Explains Better Therapy Goals
If your therapy goals sound like “stop worrying,” “never make mistakes,” or “avoid conflict,” you might be setting yourself up for frustration.
How to create an effective therapy goal:
When a new client comes into therapy in my practice, they might not always know what they do want to get from therapy, but they certainly know what they don’t want to feel or experience anymore.
1. Why “Stop the Problem” Goals Don’t Work in Therapy
Let’s create a goal you can get more excited by, rather than something that reminds you of the things you do that you dislike about yourself, that you feel shame about, fearful or avoidant of, and beat yourself up about.
Goals that help us envision the life we want create far more opportunities for meaningful action than goals focused only on eliminating problems.
Some examples of these uninspiring goals:
Stop worrying about the future
Avoid arguments with my partner
Never make a mistake at work
2. The “Dead Person’s Goal” Problem in Therapy
Yay, you finally got rid of all those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings!
Look at the common goals I’ve seen written above.
One common theme in all of them is that a dead person could complete them better than someone alive. That’s why in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy we call them “dead person’s goals.”
They are an elimination of human experience.
If our goals require us to make our lives smaller to accomplish them, they don’t serve us. Here’s some examples of how avoidance of difficult thoughts and feelings make our life small:
Clamping down on the family budget so tightly that you feel safe knowing you’ll “have enough” for the future, but now you’ve become known in your family as the guy who always says “we can’t afford that.” The spontaneity, fun, and connection with your family slowly disappear.
Holding in your upsets from your partner to “keep the peace” but also keeps you disconnected and resentments build.
Overworking so can avoid the pain of making a mistake, missing something, or disappointing colleagues, but you keep missing your son’s baseball games.
3. Therapy Goals That Lead to a Meaningful Life through Counseling
Instead, here are some examples of the types of things I hear my clients say they have gained since completing therapy with me that reflect the types of goals we love in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:
“I’m finding more time to play with my kids; my son told me how excited he is that I am going to coach his soccer team. I still feel unsure about the commitment, but I am just going to figure it out as I go.”
“I am reaching out to old friends again. I was so nervous about how they’d react to my call, but it went better than I thought. We are planning a visit soon.”
“I feel like I can joke around and be more of myself at work. I initiate conversations even when my mind tells me someone might judge me.”
“My wife told me how she’s noticed a change in me and that’s she’s proud of me. It felt so good having the skills to go into difficult conversations about our relationship without trying to shut it down or get it to stop.”
The thing is, these clients started doing these things not because they rid themselves of anxiety, fear of rejection, made work less stressful, or resolved all the conflicts with their partner, but they committed to action that made their lives better. And when the difficult thoughts and feelings came up, they were well-equipped to handle them from the skills they learned in counseling.
In-Person Therapy for Men in Santa Rosa and Online in California
You don’t have to wait until things fall apart to seek support. Therapy isn’t just for crisis—it’s for gaining clarity, strengthening relationships, and living with more confidence and ease.
As a Santa Rosa therapist, I specialize in therapy for men, helping high-functioning working professionals, fathers, and partners navigate stress, anxiety, and relationship challenges. Whether you're feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or just not quite yourself, therapy can help you regain a sense of control and purpose.
I offer in-person therapy in Santa Rosa and online therapy for residents anywhere in California.
Skip the phone tag and schedule a free 15-minute consultation today
Angela Sitka, LMFT, has a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA counseling in men’s issues, including relationship constant conflicts/anger management, low self-esteem, relational skills for the independent man, and therapy for young adult men.