Why Therapy Works: A Santa Rosa Therapist Explains the Process of Change for your Most Stuck Problems
Why would I want to dwell on my problems in therapy?
Is such a common question I get clients asking in the beginning phases of starting psychotherapy.
Meaningful change rarely happens like ripping off a Band-Aid. Those quick shifts exist, sure, but the issues people bring to therapy are usually deeply rooted. They’re woven into old beliefs, long-standing fears, and patterns that have been played out for years.
In therapy, we talk through all the avenues of the problem—examining it, wrestling with it, loosening its grip—until new possibilities start to emerge.
Here are some of the phases of changing a problem that I find are key to helping my clients become unstuck using a type of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that I am trained in and offer in my therapy practice in Santa Rosa:
1. Exploring the real factors that keep you stuck
Why do we resist changing even when, deep down, we know something needs to shift? And why do we backtrack into old familiar patterns that we know are not helpful for us?
Even changes that we know the right ones for us can come with a lot of unwanted thoughts and feelings- there’s uncertainty, the possibility of judgment or criticism from others, and real personal costs. It can stir up old memories we’d rather keep buried.
I totally understand when my clients tell me that numbness or indifference sound like a relief compared to the sensitivity of feeling strongly when something is “off;” especially when we can’t put it into neatly wrapped, logical explanations.
But the truth is: avoidance never works for long. Eventually the discomfort demands attention.
Change is rarely neat, easy, or quick. It’s painful because it asks us to let go of certainty (or the fantasy of certainty), comfort, and old patterns that once kept us safe. But ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) reminds us that pain itself isn’t the problem—it’s what we do in response to pain that matters.
When we stop struggling against our discomfort and start making choices guided by our values, we step toward a fuller, richer, more meaningful life. This is the “acceptance” part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
2. What do you do to avoid thinking about this problem?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), there’s a concept called creative hopelessness. I’ve never liked the name of the term, “hopelessness” sounds discouraging, but the idea is powerful.
It means honestly looking at all the ways we’ve tried to avoid or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings associated with our problems: numbing out with substances, keeping ourselves too busy, distracting with work, games, media, explaining away our discomfort with distorted narratives (“This isn’t so bad”), or clinging to fantasies (“Once _____ happens, then I will be ready to make a change”).
Not all coping is harmful, but when certain types of coping become our main focus, it can block us from living fully.
Creative hopelessness asks us to pause and see clearly: Have these strategies actually worked in the long run?
Usually, the answer is no. That moment of realization can feel hopeless, but it also cracks open a new path, the chance to stop fighting so hard against discomfort and instead move toward the life we really want.
Instead of these old patterns, I teach my clients “defusion” tools, a different way to deal with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
3. Experimenting with change
I often encourage my clients to “try on” or experiment with different ways of responding to their same problem. We can look at it from different angles and be creative to find a different approach.
Here are some of the things I do with my clients to work through “stuckness” and move towards meaning change:
Asking the hard questions. Is there something meaningful in here (in your thoughts and feelings) that deserves to be attended to? What would you do to attend to it?
Contemplating mitigation efforts- Even if it’s not perfect, what would make it more tolerable?
Time assessments - Is this just a phase? Wait it out? Can we create a timeline for you to try out one way of dealing with it?
Preparations. What would one small step in a different direction (NOT the perfect direction, but a direction) look like?
Grieving endings of old chapters in life, exploring closure. If closure occurred, what would you be doing next?
Identifying values. What would you be doing if you were acting like the type of person who behaved in alignment with their values?
These are just some examples of how I help guide my clients towards psychological flexibility, which simply means being adaptable to face life’s challenges without getting stuck in them, and making choices that bring them closer to the life they want to live.
Guided Support with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Santa Rosa
I find the strangest thing happens again and again with new clients who book an initial therapy appointment with me—their stuck problems often start shifting even before our first session.
While I can’t know for sure, I do believe that taking that first small step toward doing something different begins to shift the balance that keeps us stuck.
I’m here to guide you toward the kinds of changes that matter, help you stay accountable, and offer tools for navigating everything that comes with living life differently.
If you’re ready to move through what’s holding you back and start building a life guided by your values, I invite you to reach out for therapy in Santa Rosa or through my online therapy practice, available throughout California.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, has a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA specializing in men’s issues, anxiety, and relationship challenges.