Why We Get Stuck: Santa Rosa Therapist Explains How Therapy Helps Us Face Old Patterns
Meaningful change rarely happens like ripping off a Band-Aid. Those quick shifts exist, sure, but the issues people bring to therapy are usually deeply rooted. They’re woven into old beliefs, long-standing fears, and patterns that have been played out for years.
In therapy, we talk through all the avenues of the problem—examining it, wrestling with it, loosening its grip—until new possibilities start to emerge.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a roadmap for this process, and at the heart of it is a concept called creative hopelessness. Understanding this process is one of the first and most important steps to getting unstuck.
Why We Stay Stuck: The Hidden Forces That Keep Us from Change
Why do we resist changing even when, deep down, we know something needs to shift? And why do we backtrack into old familiar patterns that we know are not helpful for us?
Change triggers uncertainty, fear of judgment/criticism, and real personal costs.
Old memories, patterns, and coping strategies resurface when we try to make a shift. It can stir up old memories we’d rather keep buried.
Numbness or indifference can feel safer than facing the discomfort of feeling strongly when something is “off.” This can be even harder to deal with when we can’t put our feelings in context of neatly wrapped, logical explanations.
The truth is that avoidance rarely works for long. Discomfort has a way of demanding attention, and the more we try to push it away, the more it controls us.
In therapy, I start by helping my clients to notice this pattern, not as a failure, but as a human experience. Pain itself isn’t the problem; it’s how we respond to it that matters.
Avoidance in Action: The Roots of Stuckness
Before we can change, it’s essential to understand how we avoid facing our problems. Here are some common ones I hear my clients talk about:
Numbing with substances, overworking, or over-busying
Distracting with games, media, or excessive planning
Rationalizing or minimizing discomfort (“This isn’t so bad”)
Clinging to fantasies of a future where everything will finally feel right
These strategies may feel helpful short-term, but when they become the main way we cope, they block us from living fully.
Creative Hopelessness: Seeing Clearly to Move Forward
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), there’s a concept called creative hopelessness. While “hopelessness” sounds discouraging, but the idea behind the term is powerful.
It means honestly examining all the ways we’ve tried to solve a problem and realizing that they haven’t worked in the long run.
When we stop fighting so hard to avoid discomfort and start seeing clearly that old strategies no longer serve us, we can begin to let go of old patterns and open space for meaningful action.
Some key takeaways about creative hopelessness:
It’s not about giving up, it’s about facing reality (and accepting the parts outside of our control).
It highlights the ways avoidance keeps us stuck.
It sets the stage for making choices that align with our values, rather than reacting out of fear or habit.
Why Creative Hopelessness Matters as the First Step
Grieving and letting go of old attempts to fix problems helps create space for my clients to be open, flexible, and willing to explore new ways of navigating challenges which is essential foundation for the next phase of therapy
Understanding why we’re stuck allows us to stop blaming ourselves for being stuck.
It helps us identify patterns that have been keeping our lives small and our ways of coping rigid.
It provides the foundation for the next stages of therapy, where we can practice psychological flexibility and take values-driven action.
Creative hopelessness is the critical starting point: it turns frustration and struggle into clarity. Clarity that allows us to respond differently when the inevitable difficult thoughts and feelings arise.
Guided Support with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Santa Rosa
I find the strangest thing happens again and again with new clients who book an initial therapy appointment with me—their stuck problems often start shifting even before our first session.
While I can’t know for sure, I do believe that taking that first small step toward doing something different begins to shift the balance that keeps us stuck.
I’m here to guide you toward the kinds of changes that matter, help you stay accountable, and offer tools for navigating everything that comes with living life differently.
If you’re ready to move through what’s holding you back and start building a life guided by your values, I invite you to reach out for therapy in Santa Rosa or through my online therapy practice, available throughout California.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, has a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA specializing in men’s issues, anxiety, and relationship challenges.