3 Signs it’s Time to Break Up with Your Therapist (and what to do next)
1) You know as much about your therapist’s life as they know about yours
I have heard stories of individuals entering into therapy for the first time and their therapist immediately self-disclosing how they relate to the client's presenting problem, or just general sharing lots of details about their life with their clients.
You shouldn't leave your first session with a therapist knowing more about their life than the therapist knows about yours. The therapeutic relationship between client and therapist is different from other relationships in our lives where shared self-disclosures are socially appropriate and utilized as a way to deepen bonds.
As therapists, we are trained to be extremely mindful of our own self-disclosures to clients. When I am working with a client in my therapy practice, I use self-disclosure sparingly as a therapeutic tool for building rapport, instilling hope and normalization. But this is not done carelessly or impulsively.
In most instances, if your therapist is spending the majority of the session sharing personal details about their life with you, this is a red flag.
It might feel nice in the moment to be able to relate to your therapist in the same way you like talking with your friends, but good therapy is when the therapist uses their clinical skills to provide you feedback, build understanding and offer differing perspectives.
The time in therapy should be about you, and it's your therapist's responsibility to hold a structure within the therapy session to allow that self-focused reflection to happen.
2) They don’t remember the important details of your life
In my own therapy practice, I take notes about what my clients share with me during our psychotherapy sessions. I think it’s important to recall names of important people in their life, important events, and common themes of presenting problems.
I use these notes to complete my clinical documentation of the session after the psychotherapy session is over, and also to analyze the case on a deeper level. I then review these notes prior to my next session with the client so my memory is fresh, and I can point out things from previous sessions to better help my clients see patterns, themes, and alternative perspectives with the relevant details.
Now there are definitely times I need my clients to refresh my memory about a certain situation they may have talked about in the past, but I think in general my clients would say I am very attentive and focused during our sessions together. If you feel like you are starting over every session explaining to your therapist certain details of your life, or your therapist is showing signs they are not paying close attention to you, this might be a red flag. It will be difficult for your therapist to help without being able to put the issues you are dealing with in context of your whole life, details and all.
3) Your therapist doesn't explain what they are doing and why
It takes time for a therapist to understand the issues that brought you into therapy so that you can conjointly develop an appropriate treatment plan. But each week the therapy should be slowly building towards this with intention, and you should be understanding how the therapist is approaching helping you with your problems.
It's one thing to have your therapist tell you they are a psychodynamic therapist, or they practice EMDR, but your therapist also needs to be able to explain what this means. The therapist should be able to explain their theoretical orientation in terminology and language you understand. If their explanation sounds like psychobabble to you, you likely will have other misunderstandings during the course of therapy with them.
For instance, if your therapist is often asking you about your childhood but you don't know why, then your therapist is missing the mark. (*Helpful hint- if your therapist is often inquiring about your childhood, they are likely practicing with a psychodynamic approach). Or if your therapist is implementing EMDR to you through bilateral stimulation for your past trauma and you have no idea why or how this is going to help you.
It's your therapist's job to increase their attunement and understanding of your problems and guide you closer towards your goals with a clear explanation of what you are focusing on and why.
It doesn’t matter how many years of experience they have, how many degrees, certifications or letters they have by their name, or how highly recommended they are IF they cannot communicate in a manner that is understandable to you.
Ok I need to breakup with my therapist, now what?
I know the title of this post is about breaking up with your therapist, but I actually think people should try talking with their therapist at least one time before making the decision to find a new therapist.
Therapists want to know if therapy is not working for you, or if they have said something or done something that has interfered with your connection to them. I know it can be scary, but try speaking up.
For example, “I' want to let you know that I have been feeling conflicted about our work together because we have been working together for 6 weeks and I am still confused how this type of therapy is going to help me with (insert problem) issue.” If you can repair an issue with your therapist, it can save you time and money rather than switching and starting over with someone new.
But sometimes the therapeutic rupture is just too severe for repair, or your gut is telling you it's not a good fit. If you need to end the working relationship with your therapist, it is polite to make a call or email the therapist to let them know you no longer want to work with them (do this well in advance of your next scheduled appointment to avoid cancellation fees), and you can decide if you'd like to give the therapist feedback or not.
You definitely are not obligated to tell the therapist why you are ending your working relationship, though most therapists would appreciate this type of feedback.
Therapists want their clients to feel a good connection in therapy and are understanding if you decide to try out a different therapist- so don't feel badly or guilty for breaking up with your therapist. Your therapist might even have colleagues that would be a better fit for you if you can describe to them what they are looking for.
Looking for a new therapist in Santa Rosa or online in California?
I hope this blog has helped given you some guidance and direction if you are feeling on the fence about your therapist. Every therapist practices differently, so finding the right fit for you is so important.
That’s why I offer a free 15 minute phone consultation for potential new clients. We get to chat to see if it might be a good fit for you without any pressure or expectations.
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice based in Santa Rosa, CA but provide therapy virtually to individuals all over California.
I take a different therapeutic approach based on a therapy modality called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I help get you unstuck, deal with the anxiety, anger and overwhelm, and take steps forward towards a life you can feel good about.